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As many re-enactors are aware there has, in recent years, appeared a new and more formidable enemy on the field of battle. A fully plated knight on destrier? A 6ft hulking slab of muscle armed with pollaxe? some idiot with a gun? No, tis of course an enemy of much more fearful proportions, an enemy without mercy, without honour, without compassion and above all an enemy with complete disregard for human life. I am of course referring to THE KIDDIES.

Re-enactors beware for this is an enemy with no concept of it's own mortality, it will maim without remorse, and it instills more fear than the vicious chicken of Bristol. I have taken it upon myself to provide below a simple yet indispensable guide to surviving the kiddies battle.

The first piece of advice I will give is pretty much self evident.

IF AT ALL POSSIBLE ENDEAVOR TO BE ELSEWHERE (preferably on another continent) AT THE START OF THE BATTLE.

Now as we all know this piece of advice although valid is not always easily implemented and so contingency plans should be made. Tactics should be considered, as should fortifications although if you do not have time to dig a foxhole or handy 8 mile line of 6 foot deep trenches with kill zones covered by direct fire, anti personnel mines and artillery support, then you should consider the following:-

(A)

Should numbers permit then an arrowhead formation followed by a brave (i.e. suicidal) charge into the massed ranks of little Bast sorry, darlings should be considered. Similar tactics have been known to be tried throughout the annals of military history and many actions such as The Charge of The Light Brigade, and the Kamikaze stand to the fore as actions that also failed miserably.

(B)

The next option is of course the oft tried and failed "Hide behind some big bugger" tactic. "But why should this fail?" I hear you ask. Well it all boils down to co'operation, the standard tactical concept for the kiddies battle is of course "everyone for themselves" and hence anyone found hiding is naturally manhandled from their hidyhole and thrown bodily to the lions themselves. However done right a quick hide behind multiple combatants can work the trick is never to stay in one place for too long.

(C)

Which smoothly brings us on to the final tactic to be considered, the tactic which has the highest chance of success and is tried on every field of battle which is.........the "doing a runner" This is unfortunately a tactic that will only buy you some time, since everyone around you is already or shortly to be on the floor having the living crap kicked out of them, it stands to reason that there will inevitably be the full weight of kiddies numbers converging on the few re-enactors foolhardy enough to attempt this course of action. It's crowning glory however is that by the time the little darlings catch up with you the battle is almost over and only minimal crap kicking will have to be endured. Note: this tactic also works best if, as in the example above, you get some other sucker to get hit so they ignore you.

Few courses of action however have the possibility of overwhelming success, the only ones I personally know of are as follows

1. Stay at home

2. Feign some injury that prevents participation (limping throughout the day serves to strengthen the appearance of injury)

3. Be on the toilet

4. head straight for the beer tent get completely bladdered and argue that you wouldn't want to injure anyone in your drunken state.

I hope these simple rules go someway to providing help in the battle They are of course only a guideline and are open to interpretation and should anyone have any other tactics or advice please feel free to let us know and I will endeavor to include the on these pages. And to all those who have yet to participate in a children's battle

"May flights of Angels wing you to your rest"